Rugby league fans in the shite end of Yorkshire were today left heartbroken after coming to the sudden realisation that the world doesn’t revolve around the KCOM Stadium.
The news came after a group of ‘so called’ fans read a piece of praise for a rival team (Wakefield Trinity) for something that had nothing to do with the Black and Whites.
The news quickly made it round the local fish and chip shops, and anger was the initial emotion. Fat Kev, owner of the 5th fish and chip shop on a quiet cul-de-sac, was so infuriated that she called last orders 3 and a half hours early, denying locals their customary 5th, 6th, and 7th portions.
We tried to contact Fat Kev to ask her if she thought this drastic action was justified, but this proved impossible after discovering that there are just under 5 million men and women in Hull called ‘Fat Kev,’ just under half of their rumoured away support.
Fortunately for the entire civilised world, apart from the bit outside of East Yorkshire, Adrian ‘Pussy-Slayer’ Durham was in that chippy at the time. Taking to his laptop that night, he furiously bashed out a 20 minute wank watching the derby comeback in 2016; then used the cum-dribble to post on Twitter:
“Why is there such a pro-Wakefield agenda in the media” he began, apparently mashing his copy + paste buttons. “Have they ever taken 500,000 away to Wigan?”
Thankfully for the human race, he was ignored. But he ploughed on regardless:
“Last week, the historic Zebras won a historic cup after making history as the first team in history to win 4 historic games in a row twice” (1/9)
Editor’s note: We can’t publish the next 8 tweets on medical advice. Apparently that much exposure to radioactive bullshit will literally make your brain melt out of your ears, then you become a Widnes fan. We can however tell you that it serves as irrefutable proof that he has a tiny penis and we’re not sure his daddy ever loved him.
What happens next is a curiosity though. Fat Kev, a 39 year old woman from West Hull, actually responded. On a normal day, this alone would make it into the national papers. This, however, was different – Fat wrote:
“Maybe it’s because Hull didn’t play in that game?”
It’s hard to know what Adrian thinks of this, because he hasn’t tweeted since it was posted. It’s unclear whether this is from experiencing the same dawning realisation as the rest of the cod-botherers, or if his employers finally wrestled a smartphone from his cold, braindead hands.
Suddenly there was a rush of activity in FC-Twitter, the kind normally reserved for tinfoil-hatery and Child abuse.
“Maybe it’s possible for us to celebrate success without the constant need for vindication,” wrote @Fat_Kev4.
“I’ve just realised that the notions of our personal success and media validation are not mutually exclusive” wrote Harvey. You can tell he’s from outside of Hull cos of the big words n stuff.
“Just walked out of a shop wearing my home shirt. Didn’t get scanned as a barcode for the first time ever. Last time I was worth more than I can count: 57p” wrote @RugbyDiscipline.
“WENS THE FUCKEN CHIPPY OPAN” wrote @Fat_Kev3. Definitely a local. And most tellingly:
“Maybe it’s not all about us??” – @gazellis12.
Following this, we asked members of the fanclub what they plan to do. Replying, they simply said “take a year out.”
“We need to get our heads straight and figure a few things out. See if the whole thing is worth it any more. What’s the point when you’re not centre of the universe?”
“We might finally leave our little bubbles in West Hull and travel further afield. Maybe to Briddlington or Whitby. Maybe see for ourselves if there really is life outside of Hull FC.”
There were murmurs of disapproval.
“Bollocks” quickly interjected one local.
Whereas it truly remains to be seen what life there is away from The Deep, only one thing could be said for certain, and it was said by Fat Kev (a different one, if you’re losing track):
“The whole borough is devastated. Truly. Apart from those pricks in the east, but they really don’t have a clue.”
Even if the team themselves never truly recover, Hull KR’s recent revival means that fans will have to wait for another good team in Hull.
Steve is the muppet who tweets on @BizarreRL, and has learned during this exercise that he’s even unfunny when it’s longer than a tweet. Bollocks to it.